Men Won't Commit. Especially Gay Men

"Why cant I find Love?" "Why cant I find a loyal man?" "Why do they always cheat?" "Whats wrong with me?"

These questions are so common within the gay community. And to be honest in all communities. I know, I know, it's such a cliche. But cliches arise through common patterns. So why is it that men are so disloyal? It is normal no matter what race, orientation, age etc. In this article I'm going to shine a little light to help you better understand how to fix it.

So like all people, I only have opinions on things that I have experienced. And as a gay man I have quite a bit of insight on men. Being one, dating them, hating them etc. So before reading this article I want you to ask yourself, Why are you here. Well, I dont know you but chances are you are here to try to learn how to stop the roller coaster of heartbreak that you keep getting on, even though you hate it. Maybe you love a man but he keeps stepping out. Or maybe you are just on the toilet with nothing else to do. Either way, there is a very simple solution for this problem, but you won't like it.

To get the answer, you have to understand the problem. Men are cheaters. Especially gay men. Dont get it twisted, not all men are cheaters, but a lot of them. Why is that? Nature, Nurture or is it something I'm doing?. 

NATURE: Are men genetically programmed to cheat?

Lets talk about animal nature because at the end of the day humans are animals. If you believe in evolution then it shouldn't be that hard to place yourself in this mindset. Watch any nature documentary. Aside from certain species like the Beaver that mate for life, for most animals sex is non-monogamous. They are driven by instinct (hormones) to seek out lovers. Evolution at its finest. Think about evolution and natural selection, the base reason for it. Life forms only evolve to keep their species alive. Whether it be developing longer ears to hear predators approaching like bunnies🐰, or secreting neurotoxin from your skin like the dart frog🐸. And breeding new life is no different. It is actually the key factor in continuing a species. Males of most animal species are programmed to seek out mates. Like that one 3 year old tiger🐯 in India that traveled 807 miles to find a mate. And we all evolved to feel pleasure during the act of continuing our species, so we don't even know that what we are doing is actually part of the grand design. So at a base level humans (like all animals) evolved the same way. Even though we have developed many different connections to sex like love💗 or marriage👨‍👨‍👦, the fact remains that the hormones that drive us have one purpose, and no matter what or who you are attracted to you have these hormones. I know what you are thinking. Humans are intelligent enough to withstand the urges that these hormones give us, so why cant they just NOT and be monogamous? That's where nurture comes in.

NURTURE: Why aren't they trained to be loyal?

This part is important. We are all raised differently so it varies with each person. But we all go through puberty and develop attractions. Children know nothing about what makes a relationship truly work so they end up with a very skewed idea of it. They dream of meeting the perfect man/woman and then everything will just fall into place. Though they grow out of this belief when they get older it will always be a part of them, and a factor when determining how they handle relationship problems. But its a bit different for gay men, most start out in a closet. Their attractions and interests are locked away from prying eyes out of fear. These men started their development with the unfair notion that what they want is wrong. And a lot of them grew up with no loyal gay couples to look up to. No role model to set their expectations of what a gay marriage can and should be. More importantly, no support system to learn from or cry to when they have their first few heartbreaks. These adolescence learn about relationships and love on their own from TV or the Internet, which are very unreliable sources. But the one thing they do know (like all men) is that they have to "get some". So they seek out and meet someone, "fall in love" and somehow know that they are going to be with this man forever. Skip to the end when their heart is broken, they now have a stencil on what words and actions will produce copulating results because they went through it personally. Though they might not see these actions as deceiving they will use them in future relationships. I see this person that I am attracted to, I will ask them out, treat them well, say what I think they want me to, develop a relationship, consummate, wait 6 months before I say love, then ask for marriage and grow old etc. That's how its always been done so that's how I will do it. This is a normal timeline that people see even before they are in a relationship so at the time it feels so natural to keep to it. And their hormones make them feel very accepting of it. A lot of people use this without truly knowing whether or not they actually love someone. That's why 41 percent of first marriages end in divorce. This is because sadly those honeymoon hormones wear off. Some people refer to it as an itch, like the 7 year itch. Where they begin to find the idea of being with someone else attractive. Most relationships go through this whether it be in the early stages or later in their marriages. It is at this stage when you will find many conflicts in your relationship which may include but is not limited to cheating. But the kicker is that these men still "love you", they are just powerfully driven by their hormones into the bed of another. In most of these situations the "victim" comes to the inevitable question: "what did I do wrong".

IS IT ME?:Am I the reason he cheats?

I think it is very unhealthy to try finding blame in yourself. People do what they wish and no external factors can drive them to something they dont want to do. If you were doing something that made him unhappy or leaving him lacking, then he would have told you or left you. But he didn't, he stayed because he likes your relationship. They dont want different they just want more. He tried to keep his infidelity a secret because he doesn't want to lose you. Often cheaters dont want to think about the consequences that their actions can have. So what do you do? Well, the most important aspect of a healthy relationship is honesty. Honesty with each other but moreover honesty with yourself. The question you have to ask yourself is do you love this person. When you truly love someone, you love them for all their parts, including flaws. And I would say that infidelity is a major flaw. Love is not something you find, it is a choice. Something you have to build from the ground up. Two flawed people who choose to be better together. Two people who can fight constantly but never want to be apart. Are you willing to build a life with him? Are you able to get past the thoughts that plague you at night. The small dark places your mind goes whenever he speaks to you and you wonder if he said the same to another. Do you still feel like your attractive to him? Can you get over the anger and betrayal that you feel? Those thoughts will pass in time, if you want them to. You can rationalize the situation with any statement you want, but forgetting is much harder than forgiving. Before anything else you need to know if YOU can continue in your relationship. If you still want your relationship to work have a rational discussion with him. Ask him about his straying thoughts. Tell him to be upfront with you about why he did it.  Make it known how you feel about his infidelity and what you will do if it continues, its then up to him to change. You cannot control him, only he can control his actions no matter how many spy apps you put on his phone. If it happens again, he went into it fully knowing that it would cost him your relationship, and that should speak for itself. It was a conscience choice to lose you. If he makes this choice, you need to get out. Otherwise, only you are to blame for your pain. I know that you love him but his actions prove that he does not reciprocate those feelings. Dont you deserve to be with someone who loves you. Someone who will change themselves to be what you deserve. Why are you inviting more hurt. There is no such thing as a soul mate, you can find another. Throw a rock in any direction and you will find a gay man that wants a relationship.

This is just a small excerpt from my opinions with much more to come. Like and Share us on Facebook. Find us on Twitter or Instagram. Enter your email on our site thornmicheals.com for our newsletter to be alerted when we upload a new blog and when we have great deals on our products.

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